“Umaru, are you dead?!!!”
“No, Mr. President, I am alive.”
“Umaru, I say are you dead?!!!”
“No, Your Excellency, I am very much alive.”
“Nigerians you hear? I say you hear? Umaru is alive. God curse the liars,” (he continued in a Yoruba sing-song or, as Hausa kids would say, Allah Ya tsinewa mai karya).
In a few days hence, Mr. President will finally, hopefully, retire to his Otta Farm for a well-deserved rest. We thank Mr. President in advance for the great sacrifice of serving us for eight good (and some not so good) years, but we thank him more again now for the even greater sacrifice of leaving us alone.
But we shall all miss this President, much as his chickens and pigs have missed him all these eight long years when he took up residence in Aso Rock, so far away from Otta Farm. We congratulate the chickens and the pigs for Baba Oyoyo!
Yes, we are going to miss the President. Whatever our opinion of Baba, he has been highly entertaining. Had the Third Term Project succeeded, we would have continued to be so entertained for the next four or more years. For starters, Baba has been such an avid and expert dancer. He misses no opportunity to show us his expert steps: at Christmas, Sallah, Easter, Wester.
And the President so loves the masses that he once whipped a policeman to show he cared. Or don’t you remember the Kogi policeman? For those who don’t, something happened early in the life of the President’s First Term that would leave Nigerians shocked and awed by what manner of Leader God had saddled us with.
To recap, the President was in Kogi State on a State Visit. As he spoke at an occasion, there was the usual policeman making sure none of the lumpen proletariat moved near the Most Excellent Person. The law-and-order keeper was using a whip (bulala, koboko) to ensure everyone stood in line, both literally and metaphorically. As he whipped away, the President noticed the commotion, left off his prepared speech and yelled at the top of his voice to the policeman to stop what he was doing.
But the policeman failed to hear, such was the din. Baba then bodily left the podium, babbar riga agbada and all in tow, rushed to where the policeman was busy doing his duty, physically snatched the whip from his hand and proceeded to give the law-and-orderer the whipping of his life. The host Governor, he of the heavily-embroidered babbar riga, the President’s then ADC and all seated dignitaries had left their seats and had rushed to the scene to behold the First Wonder of the First Term. From that day, Nigerians knew they had a most caring person as Leader. A Defender of the Masses.
The President is legendary for the legend that he is quick to anger, slow to forget, almost never forgives, and is highly impatient. Much early in the First Term also, a northern journalist we know so well was invited to the then novel Breakfast Meeting with the President. When this particular journalist rose to ask a question that very early morning, the President called him by name and tongue-lashed him to no end, live on network television. The diatribe included “I know who sent you…” but I don’t remember whether he added “I will deal with you.” Were that journalist superstitious, to be so upbraided so early in the morning would have made him give up the profession.
And we shall miss the President because he has always being his own MC and Chairman of any occasion. If anyone were appointed to be chairman of an occasion, or even a Master of Ceremony, that person would have nothing, absolutely nothing, to do. The President would do the intro of the meeting, do the body, the conclusion, the joke, the laugh, everything. Members of the audience, they of the convoy mentality, are always left with the applause, and another round of applause!!! How so entertaining!
How we will also miss being represented at the highest level everywhere in the world. The President never tires of traveling. He has such energy to represent Nigeria personally at any global, continental or regional fora, even where other countries send the equivalent of a Local Government Chairman to represent them.
The President is so generous with his (or is it our) time that he would represent us in meetings where a junior minister or even lower would have sufficed. Indefatigable lawyer and Senior Advocate of the Masses, Chief Gani Fawehinmi, used to keep tab on the President’s frequent travels, and even published a book on that subject. But I think even the Chief must have by now given up; such is the frequency of VIP Movement.
Because of VIP Movement, Nigerian and foreign air travelers have suffered greatly delays, anguish, fear, near mishaps and the indignity of having to remain in the air for hours on end to allow the President depart or land in Lagos or Abuja airports especially. Many travelers are said to always include in their embarkation prayers that “may the Lord not to make the President wish to travel at the same time.”
And the Baba being a widower and misses Mama so much always shows through and through. The other day, on that his highly-entertaining FRCN Network Radio early morning phone-in programme The President Explains, a certain young man (man, I say) called and asked an apparently pleasant question. And the President started with: “If you were a woman…” live on primetime network radio. It apparently shows it has been a great sacrifice for the President to remain a widower to serve this nation, and we thank him for this. O we shall miss Baba so, as he misses his wife so…
And all Hausa speakers will miss the President. He has been most entertaining when he speaks that military barracks Hausa. The President is so courageous in his Hausa. We Hausa speakers appreciate it when the President speaks Hausa.
At the tail-end of this Second Term, Baba had just dropped another bombshell by making another declaration: Mass Communication, Sociology and such similar subjects are no good. Whoever studied these courses, according to Mr. President, has wasted his time and the time of Nigeria.
Were I not a Mass Communicator myself, I would have rushed to defend our academic turf. But no matter. The President recently matriculated as an undergraduate student of the Open University. Is it philosophy or religion he is going to study? Over to you Open University lecturers: don’t harass this student for he has great potential.
We are proud of the President for promoting our national attire. You never saw the President at any forum, be it ECOWAS, AU, EU, UN, D8, G8, G whatever, but he would be bedecked in our national costume. But one thing no one ever remembered to draw the attention of the Excellent One was that silky babbar rigas are notorious for not sitting quietly and respectfully on the shoulder; and they have the tendency of getting ensnared and hooked on other people’s chairs as the wearer passes by.
On a final note: the President told all our farmers to grow cassava, that the world is looking for cassava. That it would be the next crude oil or similar attraction. Nigerian farmers apparently took this exhortation to heart as the gospel truth: most have grown lots of the crop, some at the expense of even food crops.
There is so much cassava in the polity, a near glut, waiting for foreign buyers as the President promised time and again. Mr. President will do well to take all these cassava with him to Otta, as our “widower’s mite” to him in retirement.
“No, Mr. President, I am alive.”
“Umaru, I say are you dead?!!!”
“No, Your Excellency, I am very much alive.”
“Nigerians you hear? I say you hear? Umaru is alive. God curse the liars,” (he continued in a Yoruba sing-song or, as Hausa kids would say, Allah Ya tsinewa mai karya).
In a few days hence, Mr. President will finally, hopefully, retire to his Otta Farm for a well-deserved rest. We thank Mr. President in advance for the great sacrifice of serving us for eight good (and some not so good) years, but we thank him more again now for the even greater sacrifice of leaving us alone.
But we shall all miss this President, much as his chickens and pigs have missed him all these eight long years when he took up residence in Aso Rock, so far away from Otta Farm. We congratulate the chickens and the pigs for Baba Oyoyo!
Yes, we are going to miss the President. Whatever our opinion of Baba, he has been highly entertaining. Had the Third Term Project succeeded, we would have continued to be so entertained for the next four or more years. For starters, Baba has been such an avid and expert dancer. He misses no opportunity to show us his expert steps: at Christmas, Sallah, Easter, Wester.
And the President so loves the masses that he once whipped a policeman to show he cared. Or don’t you remember the Kogi policeman? For those who don’t, something happened early in the life of the President’s First Term that would leave Nigerians shocked and awed by what manner of Leader God had saddled us with.
To recap, the President was in Kogi State on a State Visit. As he spoke at an occasion, there was the usual policeman making sure none of the lumpen proletariat moved near the Most Excellent Person. The law-and-order keeper was using a whip (bulala, koboko) to ensure everyone stood in line, both literally and metaphorically. As he whipped away, the President noticed the commotion, left off his prepared speech and yelled at the top of his voice to the policeman to stop what he was doing.
But the policeman failed to hear, such was the din. Baba then bodily left the podium, babbar riga agbada and all in tow, rushed to where the policeman was busy doing his duty, physically snatched the whip from his hand and proceeded to give the law-and-orderer the whipping of his life. The host Governor, he of the heavily-embroidered babbar riga, the President’s then ADC and all seated dignitaries had left their seats and had rushed to the scene to behold the First Wonder of the First Term. From that day, Nigerians knew they had a most caring person as Leader. A Defender of the Masses.
The President is legendary for the legend that he is quick to anger, slow to forget, almost never forgives, and is highly impatient. Much early in the First Term also, a northern journalist we know so well was invited to the then novel Breakfast Meeting with the President. When this particular journalist rose to ask a question that very early morning, the President called him by name and tongue-lashed him to no end, live on network television. The diatribe included “I know who sent you…” but I don’t remember whether he added “I will deal with you.” Were that journalist superstitious, to be so upbraided so early in the morning would have made him give up the profession.
And we shall miss the President because he has always being his own MC and Chairman of any occasion. If anyone were appointed to be chairman of an occasion, or even a Master of Ceremony, that person would have nothing, absolutely nothing, to do. The President would do the intro of the meeting, do the body, the conclusion, the joke, the laugh, everything. Members of the audience, they of the convoy mentality, are always left with the applause, and another round of applause!!! How so entertaining!
How we will also miss being represented at the highest level everywhere in the world. The President never tires of traveling. He has such energy to represent Nigeria personally at any global, continental or regional fora, even where other countries send the equivalent of a Local Government Chairman to represent them.
The President is so generous with his (or is it our) time that he would represent us in meetings where a junior minister or even lower would have sufficed. Indefatigable lawyer and Senior Advocate of the Masses, Chief Gani Fawehinmi, used to keep tab on the President’s frequent travels, and even published a book on that subject. But I think even the Chief must have by now given up; such is the frequency of VIP Movement.
Because of VIP Movement, Nigerian and foreign air travelers have suffered greatly delays, anguish, fear, near mishaps and the indignity of having to remain in the air for hours on end to allow the President depart or land in Lagos or Abuja airports especially. Many travelers are said to always include in their embarkation prayers that “may the Lord not to make the President wish to travel at the same time.”
And the Baba being a widower and misses Mama so much always shows through and through. The other day, on that his highly-entertaining FRCN Network Radio early morning phone-in programme The President Explains, a certain young man (man, I say) called and asked an apparently pleasant question. And the President started with: “If you were a woman…” live on primetime network radio. It apparently shows it has been a great sacrifice for the President to remain a widower to serve this nation, and we thank him for this. O we shall miss Baba so, as he misses his wife so…
And all Hausa speakers will miss the President. He has been most entertaining when he speaks that military barracks Hausa. The President is so courageous in his Hausa. We Hausa speakers appreciate it when the President speaks Hausa.
At the tail-end of this Second Term, Baba had just dropped another bombshell by making another declaration: Mass Communication, Sociology and such similar subjects are no good. Whoever studied these courses, according to Mr. President, has wasted his time and the time of Nigeria.
Were I not a Mass Communicator myself, I would have rushed to defend our academic turf. But no matter. The President recently matriculated as an undergraduate student of the Open University. Is it philosophy or religion he is going to study? Over to you Open University lecturers: don’t harass this student for he has great potential.
We are proud of the President for promoting our national attire. You never saw the President at any forum, be it ECOWAS, AU, EU, UN, D8, G8, G whatever, but he would be bedecked in our national costume. But one thing no one ever remembered to draw the attention of the Excellent One was that silky babbar rigas are notorious for not sitting quietly and respectfully on the shoulder; and they have the tendency of getting ensnared and hooked on other people’s chairs as the wearer passes by.
On a final note: the President told all our farmers to grow cassava, that the world is looking for cassava. That it would be the next crude oil or similar attraction. Nigerian farmers apparently took this exhortation to heart as the gospel truth: most have grown lots of the crop, some at the expense of even food crops.
There is so much cassava in the polity, a near glut, waiting for foreign buyers as the President promised time and again. Mr. President will do well to take all these cassava with him to Otta, as our “widower’s mite” to him in retirement.
RE: INAUGURAL ADDRESS FINAL DRAFT
A very meaningful contribution to the national political debate. Thank you.
--Kamaluddeen Bala, Katsina
A terrific and very interesting Inaugural Speech. We hope that he on whose behalf these words are uttered becomes the next President of this nation. And we hope he will deliver all and more.
--Bilyaminu Abdullahi, Birnin Kebbi
Mr. President, please add: in our fight against corruption, we shall immediately ban Ghana-Must-Go Bags. And we shall change the colour of the N1,000 naira note so that the looters of 1999-2007 will have to bring their loot out of where they stashed them.
--Muhammad Sani, Zaria
It is trite to say the horrible story of our agglomerate country is not only that of a monumental failure, but of an unprecedented tragedy. We must elect those who don’t treat leadership as a frivolous game. A word is enough for the wise.
--Khalid Imam, Kano
Another nice piece. But Mr. New President forgot to tell us the fate of the executive robbers who have ruled us from 1999 to 2007. He must tell us what to do with them. Keep up the good work and may Almighty Allah grease all your joints and bless you.
--Ibrahim Kusfa, Zaria
Amin! May Allah spare our lives to witness this Great Inaugural Speech of Our Great Leader come May 29. Truly the cardinal principles of this gentleman are based on these three key issues highlighted. May Allah answer your prayers there-in. All say ‘amen’.
--Ibrahim Kusfa, Zaria
Amin! May Allah spare our lives to witness this Great Inaugural Speech of Our Great Leader come May 29. Truly the cardinal principles of this gentleman are based on these three key issues highlighted. May Allah answer your prayers there-in. All say ‘amen’.
--Idris Danladi Garko, Gombe
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